Twilight Parody 1: MercharlieBite me!
by TheParody
Summary: Edward and Bella investigate to see if Charlie is a mermaid, while Bella tries to get Edward to bite her using the power of chocolate. Enjoy! Disclaimer: I don't mean to make Twilight look stupid, this is just a parody.


Twilight Parody 1

Takes place in the summer after book 1

I do not own Twilight or any of its characters.

Special thanks to [anonymous].

Mercharlie/Bite Me!

Chapter 1

Bella and Edward were sitting in Bella's room while Charlie was fishing. Again. For the millionth time.

"Is your dad a mermaid?" Edward asked.

"No."

"You sure?"

"Yes."

"Ok," said Edward. "I'm a vampire."

"Yes, I know," said Bella, "We already sorted this all out."

"I'm also a fairy," Edward added shyly, "A sparkly glitter fairy."

"Seriously? Is that why you sparkle in the sun?" After all she had seen in the past 10 months, Bella was ready to believe almost anything.

"Uh huh. And why I can fly." With that, he sprouted pinkish gossamer wings and leaped out of the window, gliding gracefully over Bella's banged-up truck, then took a swift turn down the road, towards the school.

_This is messed up, _Bella thought to herself. All of a sudden, she woke up. Had that all been a dream? But no, Edward was sitting on the foot of her bed, smiling her favorite crooked smile.

"Did you just—do you have—are you a _fairy_?" Bella asked in shock. Edward seemed insulted, like the time she put garlic in her windowsill when he was being too stalkerish.

"No, I'm a vampire. Did you have a bad dream or something?"

"I think so," said Bella, "I didn't know I fell asleep, but then I woke up, so I must have been asleep."

"Did you eat those sleeping pills again? How many times do I have to tell you? They're _not _papaya Tic-Tacs with the word 'Zenzathol' written on them!" Edward told her exasperatedly.

"But they taste like candy to me!" Bella pouted.

"Too bad." Edward said, patting her shoulder, "Now what was your bad dream?" Bella thought, trying to remember all of the details.

"Well, we were sitting right here. Right now, except it was probably a few minutes ago since we talked a bit right now since then," Bella started to tell Edward, who seemed rather confused, "Anyway, we were sitting here, and Charlie was fishing, like always, and something happened, I forget what. And then you said that you were a sparkly glitter fairy, which is why you sparkle in the sun, and then all of a sudden you had pink wings and flew out the window."

Edward pondered this. Finally, he spoke. "Were they pretty wings?"

"Yes," Bella told him, "They were lovely. Oh yeah! Now I remember what happened! You asked if Charlie was a mermaid!"

Edward thought over this, too. "_Is_ he a mermaid?"

"No!"

"…But he's always fishing…"

"Edward, Charlie is a not a mermaid."

"I think we should investigate. You know, go undercover!"

"No, Edward."

"But we could swim underwater and see if we spot him in his mer-form! I have some scuba gear you could use, and as for me, well, I don't have to breath, so I'm ok."

"Ok, fine. But only because I would love to see you in a bathing suit."

"Actually, I don't have one," said Edward. Bella's heart started to throb. "Could I borrow one of yours, Bella? A two-piece, preferably?" Bella's heart broke in two. "Hey, I like my abs exposed!" Edward said defensively.

"Why don't you borrow one of Carlisle's instead?" she asked him, "I'd lend you one of Charlie's, but I don't know if he has any. I don't think he swims very much."

"Oh, I bet he swims a _lot_. Only he has a long, swishy, fishy tail so he doesn't need a bathing suit!" Edward muttered.

Chapter 2

After Bella and Edward got their bathing suits (Edward was wearing one of Carlisle's, after Bella reasoned with him why he shouldn't wear one of her bikinis), they drove towards the spot where Charlie was fishing. As they got out of the truck, Edward flashed Bella a crooked smile and chuckled.

"What?" Bella asked him, "What's so funny?"

"I was wondering how one becomes a mermaid," he replied, "With vampires, you usually get bitten, but I doubt mermaids have very sharp teeth. Maybe they blow bubbles at people."

"Will _you_ bite _me_?" Bella pleaded to Edward.

"No."

"Well, I'll find a way to make you bite me. You just wait." Bella tiptoed over to the water's edge and donned her scuba gear. Edward just strolled over and jumped in the water, barely making a splash. Of course, when Bella jumped in, she turned an untidy accidental somersault underwater and almost hit her head on a rock. _Klutz_, she thought to herself.

_Yeah w00t!_ said Edward's voice in her head, _I can read yo mind unnawatta!_

_No, you can't_, she thought to him.

_You're right. I can't_, he thought back. Bella heard no more of his thoughts, and he heard no more of hers, because Bella didn't have mind-reading powers, and Edward couldn't read Bella's mind. Bella looked up. Through the surface of the water she could see splashing raindrops and big, gray clouds. She looked over to where Charlie was fishing. Surprisingly, she saw Jacob Black with him. She lifted her head above the water and hid behind a rock to hear what they were saying. Edward was no doubt reading their minds, trying not to get caught.

"…sore throat," Jacob was saying, "He was really disappointed that he couldn't come fishing."

"Yeah, your dad always comes if he says so unless something is wrong, or he is just letting me down, but he doesn't let me down, so he usually comes, unless he can't, because sometimes he can't, but usually he can, although I can't always be sure whether he can or can't, but today he can't so he didn't come," Bella heard Charlie say.

"That was so vague and confusing that I completely lost track of what you were saying," Jacob said. There was an awkward silence. "Whoa! I've got a bite!" Bella peeked over the rock. Sure enough, Jacob's fishing rod was bending over. She hid behind the rock again and heard a fish's tail slapping in the air, and a few grunts a Jacob unhooked it.

"Good boy! You did it!" she heard Charlie say. She once again looked over and saw Jacob put the gasping fish in a bucket. "Have a treat!" Charlie said, and handed him a milkbone. Jacob panted and ate the dog biscuit, wagging an imaginary tail.

"I like doggies," Edward whispered to Bella, "But some doggies I don't like. I don't like mean doggies or Jacob doggies or doggies that drool way too much."

"Good to know," said Bella, "But I think it's a waste of time coming here. Charlie isn't a mermaid. He hasn't done one mermaidial thing since we got here."

"That's because Jacob's around. He won't do anything mermaidial while he knows that somebody's watching! We have to take Jacob away!"

"Edward, don't you think you've taken this a bit too far?"

"Bella, it's a summer day and I'm really bored. It gives me something to do when I spy on Charlie and it doesn't feel as hot out when I'm wearing almost nothing! Plus, it makes me feel cool for doing something that I would probably get in trouble for if I got caught."

Bella grinned. "Why don't you and I just go to my room together so we can be all alone and have—"

"_Bella_! You naughty little girl!"

"What? I was just going to say 'have fun playing Monopoly with the AC on and peanut butter on our toes'! Because that's fun, it's cool, and we would probably get in trouble if we were caught with peanut butter on our toes. Sicko."

"Oops. Sorry."

"That was too R- or X-rated for my taste, Edward, thank you very much."

"I said I was sorry!"

Bella rolled her eyes and continued spying on Charlie and Jacob.

"Anyway, we should kidnap Jacob so we can get Charlie alone so that we can watch him in his mermaid form," Edward said.

"Why don't we just call Jacob's cell phone and pretend to be Billy asking him to come home?"

"Because we both stink at impersonations, plus then Charlie would probably pack up and come with him."

"Good point."

"So let's kidnap him."

"I can't believe I'm saying this, but okay Edward, let's kidnap Jacob Black."

Chapter 3

From behind her rock, Bella saw Edward swim up behind Jacob with a drawstring bag. When he was close enough, Edward slipped to bag over Jacob's head and tied it so that Jacob couldn't take it off on his own, then, with Jacob on his back, swam over to a nearby boat that was tethered to a nearby wharf, and tied Jacob to that. All this was in a matter of seconds, and silently.

A few minutes later, Charlie seemed to realize that Jacob was missing.

"Jacob? _Jacob_?" Charlie called. He shrugged and went back to fishing. Half an hour passed.

"See, Edward? He's not a merman," Bella said, "Now can we please go? My fingers look like weird pinkish raisins and I'm kind of cold. And I think we should let Jacob go now." Edward reluctantly agreed and followed through.

Back at Bella's house, Bella and Edward were warm and dry and sitting in Bella's room.

"You know what I would like you to do to me now?" Bella asked Edward, "I'll give you a hint: It starts with a B and ends with an E. There's a vowel and then a consonant in between the B and the E."

"Is the second letter O?" asked Edward.

"No, it's I," said Bella, giving him a look. There was an awkward silence.

After a while Edward spoke. "_Oh_, you want me to _bite_ you! Dang, that's not quite what I was hoping you were asking for at all. Darn. Well, I won't do it, not ever."

"Ha!" exclaimed Bella, "Well, I know your greatest weakness!"

Edward gasped. "You wouldn't!"

"Oh yes, I would," Bella smiled.

"I'll overcome it! You'll see! _I can resist!_"

"I bet you can't," smirked Bella, opening a bottle of Hershey's chocolate syrup, "I'll be so irresistible, you won't be able to help but bite me!" With that, she slathered the chocolate sauce all over her hand, since she had recently learned that weirdo vampires bite from the hand instead of from the neck. "Mmmm, chocolate! Yum, yum! I taste like chocolate and delicious blood, only it's so good that you can't drink all of it!"

"Don't…torment…me…like this!" Edward moaned, "Just…one lick…_no_!…Mmmm, oh,…_no_!…_I can resist_!" Unable to restrain himself any longer, Edward ran out the door, down the stairs, and sprinted down the street as fast as he can, not stopping until he got to his house.

Later, when Bella was washing the last of the chocolate off of her neck, her phone rang. "I'll get it," she told Charlie, who was watching ESPN. He grunted in reply. Bella picked up the phone.

"Hello?" she spoke into the receiver.

"Good evening, Bella." She was surprised to hear Esme's voice.

"Esme?"

"What's this I hear about you tormenting my son?"

"Esme, I was just trying to get him to bite me!"

"Now now, Bella, I heard that you were being unfairly chocolate-covered to my little Eddiekins."

"Eddiekins…?"

"Yes, that's what I call him when he's sad. It makes him feel better."

"Wow…" _Hmmm, I think I'll start calling him that. It's somewhat endearing._

"Anyway Bella, we think that you should be a little more considerate of Eddie's feelings."

"Yes, Esme," Bella sighed. It was not use argueing. "Actually, could I talk to him? I'd like to apologize."

"Of course, dear." Bella could hear Esme call out to "Eddiekins", and almost instantly she heard his velvety voice again.

"Hey Bella," he said.

"Hi 'Eddie'. Sorry about earlier. But you know how much it would mean to me if you bit me," Bella said.

"I know. But can it wait until the 3rd or 4th book?" Edward replied.

"Edward…"

"Please. Not yet. Hey, look, a papaya Tic-Tac! I wonder why it says 'Zenzathol' on it." Bella heard the phone fall to the ground, accompanied by Edward's doped-out babbling about ponies named Norman and whatnot. Then she heard Alice ask him how many times she had to tell him that those were sleeping pills, and then ask why a vampire who doesn't sleep has sleeping pills in the first place. Bella hung up the phone, wondering how anybody she loved so much could be so foolish.

The End


End file.
